she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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