i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
