i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
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