The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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