So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
