You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
4 words: hood of his car
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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