i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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