I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
