Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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