I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
