Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
