turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
