i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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