i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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