that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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