Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
