Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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