Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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