oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
