a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
