just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
