i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just found puke in my bra..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
