You can't motorboat a personality
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
