Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
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