he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
