Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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