Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
