i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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