Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
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Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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