i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
