The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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