Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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