Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
