Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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