Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
