I just found puke in my bra..
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
