Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
