i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
