Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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