Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
