Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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