my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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