i think i have two assholes
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
