stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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