She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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