You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
