I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
