you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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