My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
