i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
