If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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