nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
