Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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