the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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