Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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