i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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