Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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