I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
17 year olds will be the death of me.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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